Open Post and Meme Overflow

[affection_for_research]

 

Open Post and Meme Overflow

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[existandbleed]

[Adam doesn't know how to do things the easy way. He doesn't know how to sit there and eat pizza and enjoy their drinks, and try to make it something that he can ease Gansey into, when he so clearly doesn't understand. He hasn't grasped the difference between them, but Adam supposes he shouldn't be surprised- he hadn't either, until earlier.

He'd thought it was semantics; it had worked, the way they'd made it work didn't really matter, did it?]

Cabeswater couldn't die for you, you know.

[The words are simple, and unerringly true. He takes a drink through his straw, trying to think of how best to explain so it'll make sense. He doesn't think that Gansey needs the details, the way that Adam understood the process. He'd seen the connections, but he hadn't asked the right questions. Once Gansey understands, he could probably ask Cabeswater for the pieces he's missing.]

It's what Ronan asked it for, but Cabeswater creates, it makes things. It couldn't just die like Noah did.

[Not to mention that a forest like Cabeswater, living and dying, was not the same as a mortal life. It wasn't a sacrifice that could be given for that sort of ritual. The magic strange and powerful and particular, like a lock with the wrong sort of key.]

I asked what was possible, tried to show it what we needed, and the answer was that Cabeswater could distill its magic down into a body small enough for you. It could make itself human-shaped. It wasn't really resurrection, so much as that it gave you a different form to wear.

[He quiets then, gives Gansey a moment to process it as he sips at his drink, waits to see what questions follow. He isn't quite sure how I never mentioned it to anyone, but technically you're a magic forest now ranks in terms of strange revelations. Did it make sense of things, did it make it worse, did Gansey realize yet where this was going, what it was that Adam needed to talk to him about?

And the truth is that this isn't an easy subject for him, either. Remembering that night, the way they'd all lost so much. He thought that he'd lost his magic, the love that came with it, and now.. there are things he doesn't understand too. But there are connections here, things he can relearn, or reshape. Maybe that's something Adam and Gansey have needed for a while now.]

[affection_for_research]

[Gansey begins to say something about Cabeswater had to have died since it's no longer where it should be, but he hesitates. Something comforting and dreadful holds back the words even before Adam speaks again. For a moment, he wants to stop Adam from his explanations, something cold curling in his chest.

He tries to tell himself that whatever Adam is talking about can't be too bad if he's calmly drinking icede tea and had brought food. Or it was that bad because Adam, who doesn't offer gifts or food, had brought him dinner.]

I still can't quite imagine Ronan asking...

[But the thought slides away as Adam continues. Gansey careful sets down his tea away from himself as the explanation continues. Phrases catch in his consciousness, causing the cold to get sharper, more real. Perhaps more real than he is now. Human shaped. Not a resurrection.

A different form to wear.

Slowly the connections collide. Magic distilled into a body. Human shaped but not human. He's not human anymore. If he isn't, what is he?

The soft, green part of himself - the new part of himself that he's been hiding - brushes against his thoughts and he shies away, barely keeping from physically flinching. Not human. If he's not human, what is he? Not anything that he's studied or seen before.

Something tremulous starts in his mind, in his chest, along his spine. Gansey begins rubbing the back of his left ear, the sensation of something wrong crawling along his arms. He knows the signs, what they mean, and stares at the Pig until it blurs slightly around the edges, but he keeps his focus on it while he breathes out slowly. The Pig isn't exactly real either, but it's his and it's so familiar that it can help him with the sensations that commonly precede one of his fits.

One of his most neutral masks falls into place. The one he uses around the most horrible of his mother's supporters. The one that rarely ever cracks or lifts without Gansey's determination to be the version of himself that lives in Henrietta instead of the one forced to exist in DC.]

I appreciate you telling me. [The phrase is measured, carefully controlled so none of what he's feeling leaks into his voice.] Do the others know?

[existandbleed]

[Adam slowly takes Gansey's hand. It's a conscious choice, one that takes effort, because careless physical contact was not easy for him. Adam didn't have that reflexive way that most people do of reaching out, because contact had not always been safe. It's not rough or unkind, just pressure of skin on skin, a weight that he wants to say something like you're here, it's okay. Not hornets.

Under the circumstances the fact of Gansey in that perfectly neutral tone that's stripped of everything about the other boy that made him so wonderful is almost intolerable. He knows why it's happening, knows what it means with the way that his fingers had rubbed against his ear, and he's just trying to pull him back. For both of their sakes.

Adam can't help being frustrated for not knowing how to do this with more grace, for not having Gansey's talent for this. He's been watching him for more than two years now, and Adam was never this slow a learner with anything else. But the charm, the ease with which he skates people around sentiments they dislike and has them smiling like it's a favor- he almost thinks it must be genetic, for how often he fails to grasp the lesson.

But he doesn't let go of Gansey's hand, thinks of comfort, like maybe the intention is enough. He doesn't want to scare him, not like it had scared him at Boyd's garage. But the way Adam spoke to Cabeswater had been more true than words, and with Gansey they so often tangled on the things they say in moments like these.]

Gansey.

[A weight to how he says his name, trying to draw his attention. It feels like forever ago, a different world- Adam sneaking the phone into his room to call Gansey after his parents were asleep to talk about something he'd found or their plans for tomorrow. Sometimes the other boy was vibrant and alive and regal, and then sometimes his moods would turn toward panic. As if sometimes in the middle of the night, it reminded Gansey of where his quest started. It had been a long time since Adam had talked him through something like this, and he's not sure he remembers how.

He shakes his head at the question, and when he speak again his voice is the familiar tone of friends, the way his accent seeps into his voice when he's careless; trying to pull at the other Gansey without flinching from this one.] No. I didn't.. I had though it was just details. We had you back, what else mattered?

[There's a slight curl of his lips at the words. Because oh, how much he'd missed, overlooked in his certainty that he'd be nothing without Cabeswater. As if Persephone hadn't told him before that being the Magician was about connections, not the power. All of a sudden he thinks that this might be too much for Gansey, the bargain. As if Adam would be asking for another piece of him when Gansey seemed to already feel like he's lost something. So he just stays quiet, tries to give Gansey a moment to catch his breath, even as doubt pricks at him.]

[affection_for_research]

[It takes longer than it should to register that Adam's taken his hand even if he passively lets Adam do so. Part of him feels like he's floating, separated from his body. The body that isn't his. Something strange and fey, wrought from Cabeswater.

The buzzing gets louder, competing with the pounding of his heart. His heart that might not even be real. That kicks it harder against his ribs, until his breathing turns ragged and he's moving closer to the edge of one of his episodes.

Until he feels something. Calm. It isn't an order, but it's more solid than a suggestion. It pulls him back enough that he doesn't fall into one of his screaming fits. His breathing is still too rushed but he isn't going to embarrass himself like he had in London.

He still doesn't know how to process it. He's alive, but is he truly Gansey? Is he some Gansey shaped thing? Is he just a wish given by Cabeswater to its Magician and Dreamer? Maybe he's a dream like Aurora. Would that be so bad? Would it be better than being a forest-thing?

His fingers tighten around Adam's as he gets more and more lost in his internal questions. If he's not careful he'll get so turned around that he'll start losing time again.

He fights against the pull of time and springlike green when Adam speaks again, his accent more pronounced. It snaps him out of the strange time loop he'd been about to traverse.

The question should be one that's easily answered, but Gansey can't figure out if there is a simple answer. It shouldn't matter, but it does. It matters that he's no longer human. That he's a creation, not a person. Why doesn't it matter to Adam?]

It should matter that I'm not human. [He's surprised that his tone is mild, not revealing the turmoil that had him still perilously close to another attack.] That I'm not me anymore. How could it not matter?