affection_for_research | Open Post and Meme Overflow

Anything Noah would have said was silenced when Gansey surprised him by leaning in and stealing a kiss. If that was a test it was more of a pop quiz that left Noah a little dazed. He didn’t say anything for a long moment, just pondering the feel of warm, soft lips against how own. It was so different than with Blue. A shock to the system that made him completely bypass the next thing Gansey said in favor of reaching up to cup his face.

He pulled him down the little ways and kissed him again, lingering and just...enjoying the press of someone else. But then he remembered the cold and broke away from it, dropping his hands back down to hover at his sides, “Much better than the last time...”

If he closed his eyes, he could imagine that he'd been kissing Noah when he was alive. Maybe after they had spent a fall afternoon tracing the ley lines. Chilled from the brisk weather, lips cooler than normal, but a sensation that was completely normal. With the two of them on such a powerful spot, Gansey could barely notice that Noah was a ghost. Or his mind refused to let himself see one of his closest friends as something that should be frightening.

An autumn afternoon or early winter. That context made it easier to forget when he felt Noah's fingers against his skin. This wasn't the disaster that Noah worried about. This was kissing someone he was a little in love with, just he was in love with the others. Noah was just more impossible.

Gansey made a quiet sound of protest when Noah moved away but didn't draw him back to him. "The last one with me or...?" He'd never asked about Noah's past, but now he couldn't stop himself from being gently curious. At the funeral there hadn't been anyone that had seemed liked they'd dated Noah. Had there been someone that none of them knew about?

Oh, no. Noah wasn’t really the type to date. Not because he didn’t want to (maybe he didn’t at the time) but because despite his excitable nature, he was not the hot guy at school. He was a little awkward and didn’t care about a lot of things; impressing girls was one of them. Or boys. Not that he realized that until after he was already dead. It took Gansey and Ronan of all people to make him second guess himself.

Maybe he wasn’t pursuing girls when he was alive because he just didn’t like them? Maybe that’s why the kiss with Blue had been terrible? It could have been a lot of different factors, but what the seven year gone ghost did know was that kissing Gansey was nothing like kissing Blue. Gansey made his faux fingers want to reach out again and do it one more time. Gansey made his body stay in place; not too far, not too close, and his eyes wandered along his friends face. So handsome. So wouldn’t have given him the time of day had time been different after all.

“No....you’re perfect.” He replied offhandedly and reached out a little, hesitant, and tapped the other teens metal clasp on his belt, “Blue was terrible. Highly don’t recommend. Two out of ten.”

"I'm not perfect." The thought was slightly horrifying. Too much the Richard Gansey III persona that he fought so often and felt like he slowly was inching towards becoming. He knew that Noah didn't know how scared he was of becoming like that, if he even had the time to become like that, but it still wasn't a description that Gansey wanted associated with him.

Ganse was still getting used to Noah being so close, that he was allowed to kiss him, and the idea that Noah might be interested in something more than kissing, no matter how impossible that might be. Then he realized what Noah had said. "Blue?" For a moment, his thoughts seemed to twist in ways that Gansey didn't understand. A jealousy that felt more like curiosity, surprise, sadness for them both when he quickly realized why Blue might kiss Noah. "I didn't know that the two of you were..." Involved? Dating? Had it been a casual experiment?

“Not perfect-perfect. Like a Richard kind of perfect. Not a Gansey kind.” Noah tipped his head, “Handsome, tiny town building, Camaro obsessed Richard perfect.”

He rocked a little on his heels and studied Ganseys face. His friends were an open book. Sometimes he didn’t mean to read the pages, but he never regret it either. He knew their hopes, their fears. And he moved his hands to hook his fingers through his friends beltloops to keep his attention.

But then he shook his head quickly, “Oh! No. No, no, nothing like that. It was sort of a mutual experiment. Didn’t go well.” He felt the jealousy and all of the other stuff rush over him, and Noah took a step away and turned to continue up the path, “Sorry. I know. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

It had been so long since anyone had called him Richard that it took a moment for Gansey to realize what Noah meant. Not Gansey III or just Gansey. Someone else that Gansey wasn't quite sure existed. There were certain aspects of the description that he wanted to protest, but he was sure that Noah would argue that he was incorrect. It wasn't worth the effort to try to change his mind when they were enjoying the day together.

Smiling when Noah shifted his hands from belt to belt loops, Gansey was about to pull him closer when his friend stepped away. He stood in the middle of the deserted driveway, staring, not sure what to say or what had caused the change. "Oh." There should be something logical to say, but nothing that Noah said about his experiment with Blue made sense. "Why shouldn't you have done it?"

“Because! Because...part of you likes her and...I overstepped. Sort of. I mean, yeah, but...it didn’t mean anything.” Noah shrugged a little and half hugged himself, “Sometimes I wish I didn’t...know things.”

Noah knee too much. He never said much, but he knew it. He kept the secrets safe. He did what he could and that was that. He felt that Gansey was going to grab him and stopped, and he wished he hadn’t moved away. He wanted that warmth again but did he deserve it? Probably not.

“You deserve better.” Not a girl who hated everything he stood for or complained about the way he spoke. He deserved more than the fate that Blue could give him.

"Part of me likes all of them." Ronan, Adam, Noah, Blue... they all held part of his heart. Not just as his closest friends but romantically as well. It was probably wrong. People weren't supposed to fall in love with so many people and remain in love with them.

He wanted to ask how much Noah knew, but that felt invasive, insensitive to a state of being that Noah couldn't control. He'd said that he'd seen things unintentionally because of the nature of what had happened to them both. If he'd eavesdropped on Gansey and the others, it hadn't been done out of spite.

"I don't really deserve anything." He wasn't a genius like Adam or creative like Ronan. He didn't have Blue's abilities or her passion to change the world. He had a minor talent and a gift for being a Gansey. None of those things really meant that he deserved the privileges he had or that he deserved to live instead of Noah. "I don't really deserve any of you."

Noah slouched a little at Ganseys response. They were all sort of in love weren’t they? Different but the same.

“You deserve more than you think.” Was all he said on the topic and shrugged lightly, “Anyway...kissing you was better than kissing Blue. Blue wouldn’t even be my friend if it weren’t for you.” Which could be taken two ways. Either she just wouldn’t have been his friend when he was alive. Or she wouldn’t have been his friend if it weren’t for Gansey bringing her around.

He reached a hand out again for Ganseys, “Let’s walk a little before we have to go back.”

There were so many things he wanted to say. All the thoughts that he carefully kept hidden, the ones he'd never discussed because most people would think that he was mad. Hearing voices as he died? Believing that he was chosen for a mythical quest? He'd be locked up if anyone except his friends knew the details. Even without that particular aspect of his death, he still didn't understand why he was allowed to live and Noah had been forced to die.

"You know how she feels about Raven Boys." Although why she was interested in him still eluded him. He was the worst type of Raven Boy. Generations of wealth, culture, and privilege who wore shoes that she despised almost as much as Aglionby students. "I would have been your friend, before."

Taking Noah's hand, he started walking again, wishing for things he knew that both of them couldn't have. "We don't have to go back right away. No one will miss us for awhile."

If Noah could have actually warmed, he would have when Gansey admitted he would have been his friend. He curled his fingers around Ganseys and have their arms a light half swing before glancing up to watch the side of his face, “I’m better now because of you. You would have been friends with me now.”

It felt nice to be normal for a while, though, he had to admit. He was still cold but he could touch one of his friends and pretend for a while that he wasn’t some ghost that should be moving on. He stepped closer as they walked, “Tell me if the cold starts to bother you...can’t have you turning into an ice cube when you have to drive us home.” Us. That was funny. He stepped over a weed growing in the road and looked out over the sunset.

“Can this be our secret?” He asked suddenly and glanced over again, “Someplace just for us?”

"Better now doesn't mean that I wouldn't have been friends with you then." It would have been a different sort of friendship, but Gansey wouldn't have ignored him. He might not have been part of the inner group, but Gansey would have talked to him on campus. Or discussed art and dreams with him.

Now would have been better, if this Noah was alive. This Noah would have fit in the group and Gansey would have cajoled him into moving into Monmouth with them. This one would have brought out the silliness in Ronan that Gansey missed so much.

"I will, but I'm hardier than you think. Remember all those hikes in the middle of Wales. Sometimes I thought I'd freeze or drown." Without knowing it, he'd had a traveling companion during the early days of his search. "I wish I'd known you were with me. It wouldn't have been so lonely." Sometimes he needed that time away from others, but sometimes he would have liked someone to keep him company.

Looking over at Noah, he smiled shyly, thinking of this secret compared to the ones he kept with Blue. This one felt more natural, like it wouldn't betray the people he loved. Like it wasn't wrong to keep this special place to themselves. "We can." He wouldn't tell, not exactly, but he'd find a way for Ronan to know about it, if that was ever necessary. "I like the idea of someplace for us."

“Sometimes I wish you had known I was there, too,” Noah sighed sadly. As lonely as Gansey had been, Noah had been even lonelier. Gansey had been able to reach out if he needed—Noah couldn’t do that. He had spent many a night... “I used to sleep with you, you know. Like...beside you. Sometimes I would just sit and watch you fiddle with building things...toothpick cabins and card castles. When you couldn’t sleep I’d listen to you hum while you wrote in your journal...you were so much more interesting than the kids were when I was that young.” He chuckled softly at the memory.

“You were never alone. I promise. Unless I couldn’t be there at least.” He shrugged and noted the shy smile. Ohhhhh, he beamed a little and skipped ahead just enough to walk backwards in front of Gansey, “Ohhhhhh are you blushing? You’re blushing. That’s cute.”

For a few seconds, he worried at the idea that Noah had been that close to him while he'd been completely oblivious to the teen's presence. He could almost hear the others in the back of his head, telling him that he should be offended by what Noah had done. Instead he squeezed his friend's hand, swinging their joined hands between them. "Did you sleep? I rarely manage to." Glancing over at Noah, he tried to look stern. "Did you knock down my card castles?" If he had, it might have been one of the only entertainments that Noah had.

Never alone. That was reassuring, especially when Gansey thought of... what would happen in a few months. Noah might be the one who would need to search, not Gansey.

"You don't have to be alone now." He wasn't sure how long that would last, but while they were here, together, Noah wouldn't be alone. Letting go of Noah's hand, he stuttered a moment, reaching up absentmindedly to touch his cheek, feeling the warmth of a blush he hadn't even noticed. "I am, but I doubt that it's cute."

Noah chuckled and stopped walking. The stop was abrupt and on purpose because it made it easier to use Gansey walking momentum to steal one more kiss. This one was sweeter than the first two, lingering a breath that he didn’t actually have. It was a thing of affection, and amusement that Gansey dare thing he could do anything that wasn’t in some way cute.

When he broke from the kiss, he let his eyes wander the alive teens face, and smiled in a way that he would have when he were still alive; cheeky and happy, “Oh, it’s definitely cute. I won’t tell anyone~ Don’t worry~” He hummed playfully, took a step backwards again, and then another and let his finger remain inside the belt loop it had once more occupied so he could pull Gansey to a walk again.

“And...yeah...I knocked down a few. But only because I realized i could. That was when I started learning how to uhmmm...communicate?” Till then he had just been a whooshing spirit that followed him around being a creeper to the tenth degree.

Stumbling to a stop, he was surprised by the kiss and by the contact lasting longer than Noah seemed to think Gansey would be comfortable with. The kiss was of a type that Gansey wouldn't mind sharing more often even if Noah was colder when he didn't have the ley line to draw power from. Reassuring that his friend was with him, cared about him, even when Gansey was trying to convince himself that he wasn't really needed by the others.

Sometimes he almost forgot that Noah wasn't like the rest of them, looking solid and alive, reminding him of the boy that he'd learned about from bits of stories told by those who had known Noah when he was alive. The smile was a remnant of that past, of someone who should have had a future. "No one would believe you. Richard Gansey III does not blush."

Letting out a huff as Noah began leading him toward the farmhouse, he shook his head in amusement over Noah's earlier destruction. "Were you trying to communicate then? I'm sorry that I wasn't more receptive."

“And No one would believe Ronan loves cute little animals, but he does.” Noah rolled his eyes a little. Gansey blushes. He was a blusher. That’s all there was to it.

The closer they got to the farmhouse the less Noah felt like he needed to try being solid. He just was. He felt like he could disappear if he wanted to but he didn’t have to try so hard to be the way he was right then. “I think...I was just trying to not go into the dark. You were something that kept me...mm...tethered to this world. But you don’t have to say sorry. You didn’t know a ghost was attached to you.”

That would be weird. How would Gansey have even responded to that?

“Besides...it would have been scary for you if you knew a ghost was there. It’s different now because you got used to me and didn’t know I was dead.” As if that made it better.

Gansey wasn't sensitive to the ley lines the way the others were, but he still felt something. Maybe it was just excitement or some psychological reaction since he knew that they were near one of the spots that had always given him the highest readings, but there was something different about this place compared to the sites that they'd visited.

"I'm glad that you didn't." He knew that eventually Noah would leave. It was something that Gansey didn't want to think about, but was slowly accepting. Eventually, they'd find each other again. "Whatever brought me back, wanted us to be together?" That was a comforting thought. He hadn't been alone during those frightening moments during his death or afterward and Noah had someone to focus on so that he didn't slip away.

"I don't know if it would have been scary. Perhaps at first." When he'd been new to the quest and he hadn't realized how much magic existed in the world. Eventually, he'd learned that there was far more to reality than what most people assumed. "You know the strange things I've seen during my travels. Would a ghost really be that scary compared to some of those wonders?"

Leaving was not something that Noah looked forward to. What would be there beyond the dark? Would it be like Ronans nightmares? How would Gansey find him again? How would any of them find him again? Would he just be lost and alone again?

Without realizing it, while his mind fell down that rabbit hole, Noah moved closer to Gansey, half hugging his arm in the process. He kept his eyes down on the road; silently taking inventory of weeds and the few bugs big enough to actually take notice of. Leaving scared him more than dying did.

“If you had to see me the way I really look, then yeah...it would have been terrifying....” Gansey would only see this version of him, not the decaying, broken way he really was.

When Noah began holding on to his arm, he wanted to ask what was wrong, wondering if the ley line might be fluctuating or if he had said something that had accidentally hurt Noah. His words seemed to have fewer edges around Noah, but Gansey still could easily injure him.

As he realized what Noah said about how he truly looked, he didn't understand what he meant. Over the years, he'd read countless ghost stories and most were either shadowy figures who replayed certain acts over and over or spirits like Noah. The only difference he could think of would be the circumstances of Noah's death. Like the times when Gansey accidentally witnessed Noah reliving his death. He would see the wounds and the aftermath that he'd imagined when reading the police reports.

Catching hold of Noah's shirt, he pulled him close, wrapping his arms around his friend. "Maybe before it would have been terrifying." Closing his eyes, he rested his cheek against Noah's hair, not caring about the cold. "I can't be terrified of something I may become."

Noah blinked as he was suddenly pulled back into the others arms. If he hadn’t been so grounded here, he would have probably blipped out from the shock of it. But, this time he just relaxed against him and slowly wrapped his arms around Gansey’s waist instead.

He liked this. He liked this a lot more than he could admit. Gansey was so warm, and solid; something that he couldn’t feel most of the time but here he could. Here he felt normal.

But underneath it all, he was still a mess. He was still dead, and hollow, and gross and no matter how much energy he could pull from people or the ley line would change that. He could lean into this though, this beautiful human being that he was realizing he would have probably fawned after in classes and tried to be better for.

“You won’t die.”

He still expected Noah to disappear, not used to how solid Noah was today. It was something he was grateful for, but it still would take time to get used to being able to hold his friend or to be able to tug Noah along with him the way he could with Ronan or Adam.

The chill was easily accepted, especially when Noah was solid in his arms. Gansey didn't know what Noah was hiding, but it didn't matter. He was still Noah even if he might be terrifying to other people. "We both know that's not true," he said, voice surprisingly steady considering how off balance he'd been feeling whenever he thought of that truth. "You'll have to teach me how to knock over card castles and how to haunt Ronan. I'm sure he won't mind if we move into the Barns and keep him company."

The steadiness was all facade. Noah knew even if Gansey didn’t even know.

The blond ghost just hugged Gansey tighter to him because he could and he resisted the urge to sigh from the little bit of pleasure that brought him. Holding people; any sort of touch really, were things Noah absolutely loved. He would hold someone hand for hours, snuggle anywhere it was allowed, even walking if he could. This whole walk made all of the rest of it worth it.

“I won’t let you.” He mumbled against Ganseys shoulder, fingers curling in the back of his shirt, “I won’t. So you’ll have to wait a long time to be able to haunt Ronan. The card castle destruction is easy.”

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